HA HA

I've seen some of these posted as facebook status updates, so you might have seen them already. Some are pretty funny:



I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I cant wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story thats not only better, but also more directly involves me.


Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does.



But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?


That's enough, Nickelback.


I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.


Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?


Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


There is a great need for sarcasm font.


How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


Was learning cursive really necessary?


Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".


I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".


How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"


What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.


MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.


Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories.


You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just arent doing anything productive for the rest of the day.


Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.


I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.


While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes dont win, they are executed.


I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.


Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...


As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.


I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.


My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?


I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.